If this was a private schoolkid, it would be the one who runs the odds on the nags and earns thousands of pounds from students and teachers alike before he's hit grade nine. And every year his parents receive an uninspiring report card bemoaning his lack of interest in the smallest measure of academic self-improvement.
Walt Longmire of Absaroka county is back, and up to his neck like never before in a mystery surrounding one strange family and the religious cult they are spreading across the country. But what do the well guarded men at the top want, and how far will they go to get it?
If this was sent to a publisher this morning it probably wouldn't get bought. Let's face it. "-and you say this is one-seventh of the actual book, son?"
A heartbreaking coming-of-age story, where growing up is tough and the shaping of a boy into a man is fused with tragedy.
If this was a guy at a concert, it would be that over-earnest guy handing out flyers in the sun who you feel sorry for, even though he's a bit of a dick. But then look! He has a fun girlfriend, so it's OK.
I could have loved this tale of intrigue, nazis and cute CIA agents, but the ridiculously stereotyped nature of the characters let me down. Which is a shame, because I really enjoyed aspects of the writing style.
If this was a three-AM takeaway treat, it would be deep fried haggis. Yes they have that.
I've never read any Walter Walker before, but I've decided I want to read more. His writing style is so engaging that I was hooked from the first few pages, and the storyline manages to be action packed, even when all the crime in the story is officially cold.
If this was a comic which is about a thousand times better, it would be The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Neo-colonialism, Nikes, and the meaning of life, death, and loss. Scott Fivelson knocks it out in four pages, and Mariel Hemingway adds dimensions with her glorious narrative.
If this was written by me, it would be called "The Too Much Drinking Diaries 1997-2007" and prescribed to brave and chronic insomniacs only.
A little taster of Walt Longmire that's been released to whet potential readers appetites' for the new full length novel... and whet it does indeed!
If this was edited with a hatchet, you'd get half a funny book; you could then threaten the author with the hatchet until he produced the other half.
Sometimes, just sometimes, you open up a book and start reading, and you're utterly hooked because you just have absolutely no idea where the story will go. In And The Soft Wind Blows, everything is where it's supposed to be, but there's an unpredictability over-riding everything. And it's the business.
If this was the average quality of writing found in textbooks, I would have ACED high school, surrounded by greater student interest in economics, to name one subject.
Yes, I do love Douglas Adams. Yes, this book is one of my most favouritest books on the face of the earth, and one of my most treasured possessions. And, caveat, they recently made a fun BBC tv series of it! Hip hip hooray!
If this was written forty years ago, it would be called "Bebop and Marijuana - Your Teenagers Could Do Worse."
Guadeloupe may look like a tiny island paradise owned by the French, but under the lazy tropical sun, Guadeloupe is like a political powder keg. How can an outsider like Marie Laveaud have any hope of representing the law of France here, when the reality is so different?
If this was an entry in a log book, it would be hanging off the wall of the bushwalking hut you find just before the storm hits, and the whole event would seem more like an adventure and less of a trial.
It took me a while to figure out why I got so into this book, and then I had an epiphany – it's like a super exciting and stretched out episode of Law and Order IN BOOK FORM. And I do love me a bit of L and O.