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Short story: <i>Weatherman</i>



Okay guys, we have a situation here. I think it's a fairly major situation, but I can't actually be sure because I never really paid attention when they were explaining how all this shit works. And why should I have? It's not like I want to be here or anything.

The hours are good, I must say. The weather sure isn't that hot.

That was a joke, by the way. And I know this will shock you guys, but the novelty of going outside to pee to see if it really does freeze before it hits the ground gets real old real quick.

The thing that I really like about being here, aside from the fact that it's the fucking coldest place I have ever, EVER been and it is shit boring, is the fact that I am here, by myself, for up to a month waiting for Derek's fucking replacement to arrive and I can do whatever the hell I want to do. I could strip down to my undies... or in this case, longjohns... and run around like a loon, capering on all the machinery, pushing buttons, making "ooo, ooo" noises like a monkey and nobody would give a crap.

Not that I do that. Too much effort. But sometimes I like to sit in my swivel-chair, eating rehydrated food and imagining I'm doing it. I have like, totally improved my swivel chair, you guys would dig it! Like, you just can't recline on a swivel chair? So I got some bedsheets and tied them between the chair hooked to a desk and a coat rack on the wall, and now I have a really sweet hammock. In fact, I'm in it right now.

Right, so the situation we have here. Well, I can see something on the charts, graphs, whatever they are. And I think it's something that's not meant to be there. Well, when I say not meant to be there, it probably is... I mean like, it's nature and all that shit, so, you can't say that something that nature created isn't meant to be there, but still... it looks weird. Possibly even dangerous. I can't remember all the colour charts and patterns and high pressure low pressure swells and bumps and heaves and curves; it all looks like a lecture to sleep through to me. I'm sure there's a manual here somewhere that Derek used to get all excited over, but you know, the guy LIVED for weather. I don't know what his problem was, but man, he sure could use the machines and manuals! When he was here I didn't have to do ANYTHING. Okay, I still don't. So I would care where the manual is, but I can't be arsed looking for it and quite frankly, I may have burned it the last time I was bored. Setting fires really doesn't take that much energy, and I have to say, it can be surprisingly rewarding. And considering the T.V. shat itself a couple of days ago, lighting fires is the only interesting thing left to do.

Particularly when you do it on a computer console.

So I've been wondering how you guys are all doing back there? I'm still trying to figure out if I got the raw end of this deal or if you guys did. But I really don't think Social Services really thought this one through properly. I mean, sure, nobody in their right fucking mind would want to work out here, but I really don't think that it's totally the right place for someone like me. I mean, they say I have the "skills", but I think they missed the bit where I slept and smoked pot all the way through uni. Fuck, I only took meteorology because I ticked the wrong box on my application and couldn't be arsed changing it. And seriously, everything to do with weather now gives me the knee-jerk reaction of throwing myself on the nearest couch with a bong and a fifty bag and fifteen packets of Pringles. And man, you just can't get good hydro out here. And every time I put in a request for it and a playstation when the dudes who come to check up on me come, they completely ignore me! AND they were supposed to rock up yesterday or whatever, AND I haven't heard a WORD of communication from anyone, slack bastards. So aside from being able to caper around the place like a monkey if I felt like it which I don't, Antartica fucking sucks.

Right, so where was I? Oh, right, the whole situation thing. I have to say, my mind is like, SO much clearer since I haven't been able to smoke weed. But seriously, who cares? I bet you guys are still getting AWESOME weed. God, that pisses me off. Hang on... situation. Right. So like, the lights are lighting up red, and I seem to recall that's bad. I'm sure Derek mentioned red lights being bad. It actually could have been like this for a couple of days, now I think about it, I've been sleeping quite a bit. And maybe it's like an uber-storm, or cyclone, or tsunami, or something. So you guys watch out, okay? And, uh, it would be totally awesome if you could respond to this message. Because, like, I think Social Services might get shitty if we all screw up the whole "weather" thing. But then, if we DO, they might pull me out of this shit hole and then we can all go out together and get really messy, if we can be bothered.

Anyway, I know this is like the third or fourth one of these messages that I've left, and I'm really hoping one of you will respond soon. But, whatever, if you're busy. I'm just going to have a nap now, and I might set fire to Derek's chair later, for kicks. And warmth.

Oh, and tell those fuckers who bring my supplies than I'm low on water and Pringles, need some weed and a playstation, and if Derek's replacement doesn't get here soon the whole world could go under in a killer storm and not know because I can't work the fucking machines.

Okay dudes. Over and out.

This is the result of a thirty minute writing exercise. This week I have been given the seven deadly sins as themes and a corresponding set of locations for each one. Today's sin and setting were:.

Image courtesy of Mixmaster.

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